I have a big problem when it comes to overthinking things. (Heck, I even over-thought this first sentence three times.) My nature is to obsess over any little thing I notice wrong with myself, and catastrophise it into the worst possible outcome. It's just a natural part of my anxiety. I'm not a diagnosed hypochondriac, but it certainly wouldn't shock me if I were one. So with that context out of the way, I have to ask...
So for me, I occasionally get what's called a silent migraine. Basically, my vision goes haywire for 30–40 minutes, and then I'm good—no headache after. Granted, it's still very disconcerting and disruptive, especially since I have no idea what triggers them or how long they may last, or even what's causing them in my brain. If you've never had a migraine aura, it's very concerning until you know what they are; basically, I get a little blind-spot right in the center of my vision, as if I've been staring into a bright light for a while. That expands over about 5–10 mintues into a rainbow lightning-bolt spiral through one side of my vision—and it is a complete blind-spot during this. If I happen to be driving, and thankfully it hasn't happened whileI'm driving, I would have to pull over and wait it out, because I cannot see safely. After this, it moves into my peripheral vision and I get what is basically tunnel vision for a while, and then it fades. Takes between 30 and 40 minutes, like I already said. For most people, this would be followed by some form of migraine, i.e. a headache.
But not me.
For whatever reason I just don't get the actual headache. Which is a blessing, and a curse. It's great because... well... I don't particularly want to get a headache! But it makes it more difficult for people to take it seriously, because I'm not really being affected by this, other than some visual disturbances. But because I do get the auras, I need to have someone take me seriously and look into this! I have a good headache specialist working with me, but there's not really treatment specifically for auras, unless I start getting them every day, or multiple times a day. And with my obsessive anxious nature, my brain can't stop from spiralling. What if it's a tumor? What if you have brain cancer? Oh it's gotta be a prion disease this time, say your goodbyes. I know that's all ridiculous; I had a CT scan and they didn't see anything. But my brain loves going: "What if?"
So I get stuck in my what-if cycle, and then of course my anxiety gets worse, so the what-if cycle increases—and doesn't stop. Until I'm finally able, eventually, to take control of it. But still, I have to ask... what is going on in my brain to cause this? It's just strangest thing.
I'm rambling.
--21 January 2025--